Multiple Origins of Ace Warloch

Cosmic Accident Theory

Ace Warloch has always existed as a potential occult potentiality. In other words, a cosmic accident waiting to happen. The fact that this accident actually happened has philosophers the world over fretting over whether or not attempts should be made to cast out his arcane presence. They are also arguing about just how they should go about doing this.

Recently Ace Warloch has been seen infiltrating tarot decks. It seems he is intent in finding work within the occult realms of existence, though “why?” is the question on everyone’s mind. “He can’t get regular reality right, what makes him think he can get mystical reality right?” asks the Department of Corrected Corrections.

The Society for Pointless Psychology had this to say. “Perhaps Ace Warloch is suffering from a new psychiatric condition called Genesis Abandonment Disorder and is therefore covertly seeking proof that his birth is not the cosmic accident many speculate it to be. Regardless of what his motives may be, Mr. Warloch needs to visit our Reality Adjustment Laboratory and take our completely safe and ethical Unstopable Past-Life Hypnosis Assessment to determine exactly how he came to be. It is possible that we may have to digitally remaster his brain to conform to thinking and existing in socially acceptable ways.”

From Out of Nowhere

Ace Warloch spontaneously burst into existence in the very opposite way that Spinal Tap drummers disappear. As you can imagine, he was very confused about the world that instantaneously spawned his amazing presence. This led to his most extraordinary adventure in reality bashing; which may someday be documented, but today isn’t that day. Nevertheless, you should know that when he burst into this dimension, Ace was fully clothed in metal shirt, jeans, painted leather jacket and black leather boots as well as aged to perfection and armed with a BC Rich Warlock guitar. Sadly the guitar sustained serious mortal injuries not long after Ace started playing it.

Creature of Magic

It all started when one half of Ace Warloch’s previously splintered consciousness used his camera to take a picture of himself in a magic mirror. As the flash flashed forward into the mirror he became aware of his astral-self, which was strangely unaware of the physical body it was residing in. And so the conscious identity met the unconscious entity as the molecules and sub-atomic particles that sustained their mutual existence spread throughout existence and instantaneously crash-snapped back into the form that both consciousness were co-inhabiting all before the camera flash faded. In a matter of less than a second a new consciousness was formed from the aforementioned previous two and proclaimed itself Ace Warloch. His motives and purpose of existence remain unknown. Regard with suspicion.

Edible Beginnings

Some say it was a mundane looking mystical potato chip that was the catalyst that brought Ace Warloch forward into the body he/it is currently possessing. Actually, it was a mundane looking mystical tortilla chip. This chip was almost certainly contaminated via very mysterious means with a strangely mysterious drop of ectoplasm that mysteriously contained the secret genectic code of a very mysterious Ace Warloch. Apparently once the chip is dipped in salsa and chewed it mysteriously transforms the psych of the person eating it into Ace Warloch. If this is true, it is possible for there to be more than one Ace Warloch at any given time. This is very disturbing. Everybody should stop eating mundane looking mystical tortilla chips just in case.

The Huh? Origin

Ace Warloch was originally conceived as a pseudonym. Somehow, through means yet unknown but probably involving a fire extinguisher, Ace Warloch the pseudonym became sentient and occasionally takes over his creators identity and mind. He then tries to drive the body as best he can, often with ineffable results.

From the Depths of Time

Ace Warloch is really an immortal. Proof of his early existence was recently found in the statue of the ancient Egyptian Pharoah Acewalkaton whose facial image is identical to that of Ace Warloch. The statue was discovered under a lot of sand near the left paw of the Great Sphinx. A heiroglyphic tablet found nearby explains why no one has heard of Acewalkaton before. Apparently Acewalkaton decided to make shields for the troops out of stone after Atlantis stopped exporting their popular woods and metals due to failed trade negotiations. The problem with the new shields was that they were so heavy that the troops could barely carry them a 100 feet let alone 100's of miles. It was also almost impossible to use them in a fight, not to mention that they sometimes broke when dropped. When confronted with these oversights Acewalkaton saw the resentment and pure hate in the eyes of his troops and managed to flee before they could express their hostility. He probably ruled for less than a year around 1369 B.C.E., but we don't know for sure because his name was striken from of all records and all his statues were smashed - well they obviously missed one.

The Skeptics Point of Skew

Ace Warloch does not exist, cannot exist and if exists - should not exist. No opinions, theories or beliefs that contrast this statement exist; and if such opinions, theories or beliefs exist - they should be buried quickly.

Foreign Bastard

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